It’s my ex boyfriends birthday on Saturday. It will be the first time in 6 years that I will not staying up till twelve ,so I could be the first to wish him. I have been relatively ok for a long while till it got to this week.
I don’t want him back or neither do I want to dwell in the past. But I do miss him. I started hearing his voice in my head again, and it makes me smile.
However I will not wish him for his birthday. He has moved on, and I will move on in time.
This morning I awoke to a dream of my ex and me. It was very realistic and the happiness I experienced was pure bliss. It was him and I getting back together, and for those moments we made each happy again. Like how it was in the beginning . It’s been hours later and I still hear his laughter and can see his smile.
In the dream we had decided to give it another try and were looking forward to the future. As I awoke from the dream , my first thought was I don’t want him back.
A bit of background, we dated long distance for a few years. I loved him and thought the son rose and shone from him. This of course changed over the years. While I still loved him , I was no longer in love with him. He ended the relationship six months ago, and it has been a long process to getting to an okay place. I relied on him and didn’t know how to be on my own again.
We had spoken after the breakup, he had moved on and I had not. I was angry at him for a very long time. Every promise that was made by him, would mock at me.
After the dream, I messaged him. Told him, that I forgive him and wish him happiness with partner. He wanted to talk and hoped I saw things as he did six months ago. That part was a bit too hard. I didn’t not need to know he thought about me. It took a long time to get a place where I was stable.
I let go of him and the dreams that have died six months ago. I enter this new year looking forward to dreaming new dreams.
If I have seen a little further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants.
In the passing of Nelson Mandela , I am inspired to be better person. Even though I do not laud him in the generally accepted God like status.
I respect him for the feats he accomplished and I applaud his message of love , even when it was undeserved. Since I am 26, I didn’t live through the apartheid era. I have no negative memories with it , unlike the older generation. I take freedom as a right and not as something that was fought for.
Apartheid may be dead in south Africa , but there new battles to be fought. Which require people of calibre to rise up and take a stand, as our predecessors did.
Currently I’m not sure what changes I can bring about, but I will keep searching for a social.
I thought i was in love once. It was strong , passionate and unrequited. It continued for a few years and to date, it’s pretty strong.
But it wasn’t love. It took having pets to show me what love is. Specifically cats.
I have two cats, one is an adult male. The other is a kitten.
The older cat was abandoned by his mother and had a pretty low self confidence. He was also unaware of what cats should do. So I decided to help him. I would watch birds with him, help him to reach places and shoo off other cats that didn’t have friendly intentions. So it grew ,the pet love. The type of love which only cat owners appreciate. I love you so much in spite of you waking me up at 4am or digging your claws into me. Or even refusing to eat the carefully selected food that was purchased for you.
And then the kitten came along. And this was a different type of love. His personality was much more loving and engaging than the older cat had ever been. I was and still am smitten. Im not sure if I am capable of loving a human in the same way. Does that make sense?
With my pets, I will without complaints get up at an ungodly hour to feed them. When they call, I answer immediately. I let them have full access to me, without any limitations.
When look at them, I do not see the expense of cat food , or damaged mat or the noise they make when I try to sleep. It’s so uncomplicated.
Am i capable of doing that with someone else? I’m not so sure,